Sunday, October 7, 2012

find your glory, even here

Last week I discovered that this pain and discomfort from my previous hospital stay will be permanent until after our Wee One is born. I brought my list of concerns and symptoms to my OB for my follow up appointment; it was quite the list and I was prepared for her to tell me that there was another infection.

Instead she told me that, while unfortunate, these problems were quite "normal" for my situation. Everyone is effected by this surgery differently, and while some handle the recovery with limited issues, it seems that my body is not recovering quite as smoothly as I would have hoped for. Again, while unfortunate, nothing to be immediately concerned about.

Unless you're me. Who worries about everything. 

Throughout my last trimester, for the next 3 months, I will continue to be monitored via blood and urine analysis at my biweekly appointments to make sure this doesn't return.

Kidney problems, especially in pregnancy, can lead to additional kidney problems, and those can come on faster and more dangerous than the first. The most frustrating thing about this is that the very thing left in my body to aid in keeping Wee One safe is what is causing my constant pain.

It is as I type that last sentence that I wonder why must it simply be frustrating? This, too, can be filled with Grace.

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. 

It is never a challenge to question when handed an obstacle. Why me? is fabulously easy to weep out when you are in pain; when your heart is broken or your life is in shambles and you simply cannot find all the pieces it is almost impossible to remember that you aren't responsible for the pieces at all. No, you must strive to see through the fogginess of your situation in order to see your path ahead. It is only then that you can come back to your understanding that the path never wavers. It is never destroyed or altered. It is only covered by the circumstances of life. Fog rolls in an obscures your vision, muddling your directions and messing with your compass, but it never effects the path that is layed down for you.

There are so many things we cling to in order to find our own way. It is hard to simply trust that the path is still there when you cannot see it through your own tears.

When your abundant blessings seem to come to a screeching halt, and you are delivered hardships and heartbreaks to choke down a dry throat, the irony of remembering anything positive is not lost.

There is always water to quench your thirst.

It is fun and easy to praise God when he gives you what you want, when your prayers are answered with shinning light and comfortable surroundings. Singing songs and rasing your hands in worship reinforces your belief that He is good.

Will you praise him when life doesn't go your way? When He doesn't seem so good, because no matter how strong your faith is, at times He is an easy target for blame. Praise doesn't present itself as easily as the other option. Rage and anger provide a temporarily clear outlet for disappointment.

When out of weakness we must bow, to hear You say "it's over now"...

Sometimes all it takes is a childlike approach to finding the positive. Recognize that He is there, and thank Him for your challenges, as hard as it may be. As I repent of my anger and frustration, not for the first time and not for the last, I am reminded in my heart of the majesty that holds me and mine in love and protection.

So thank You for giving me the opportunity to put my child's well being before my own. I can appreciate this pain, because I know she is in no danger while I suffer. My pain provides my child with a safe haven to grow, something I could not provide if You had not designed me to be her ultimate protector.

Your plan for our lives, for the happiness and health of my family, far exceed the difficulities of these circumstances.

Thank You for providing me with the ability to see that. Please provide me with the grace to remember it.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you.' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future'". Jer 29:11

We hold this dear in our home. A regular reminder of His mercies.

I cannot lie and deny my fear. I can, however, turn it over.

I do not question where you are this time, as I so often do when I hurt. You are in every kick and hiccup I feel. You are in every strengthening muscle and in every healthy beat of my daughter's heart. You are in my son's happy smile and in his confident steps. You are in my husband's heart as he worries and loves over his family. You are in his steady hand and clear head when he leaves us each night to protect others. You keep him safe when his mind is occupied by troubles at home.

Please continue to hold them .

You walk through our mess to love us anyway. Well, here is my mess. And You climbed in the middle of it and waited for me to look up and realize that You've been there, the whole time. Your glory never fades and Your grace is abundant, mess or not.

Through the pain, I can have rest in You. 

"I will never leave you. I will never forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Talk about a promise.

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